Monday, 17 May 2010

Statement of Witness: Deliver us from (G)innocence


Statement of: Gin Lane Ladies
Age: Erm, twenty-something (honest)

Date: 11/05/2010
Location: Shoreditch Town Hall

Lady 1: Look, all I remember is this. I took the 78 bus to Shoreditch Town Hall, where I met one of my trusted Gin Lane companions and entered.  No, not via the main entrance, it was the basement.

Lady 2: We were in this room and the clocks and the pictures on the walls were all sideways, and there were eggs filled with asparagus and duck on sticks and Cazadores Tequila everywhere.

L1: And even a chocolate with a shot of tequila embedded in it.

L2: Yeah that was amazing… but then it got weirder. A funny hairy chap appeared, maybe he was a centaur... Anyway he was holding two apples and babbling about an angry queen. He convinced us to follow him through a cabinet in the wall into a wintery wonderland where we drank the finest Appleton Estate Rum and ate teenie tiny rum-spiked ice creams. Then the hairy fellow led us further into the darkness where we were met Snow White…

L1: Well technically Mr. Snow White. He showed us how not to make apple pies but how to eat the most perfect whiskey chocolates and gave us all a shot of the oakiest whiskey that's ever passed our lips.

L2: As if this weren't enough, next we were led to a room where a wolf kissed a girl and we all drank Meantime beer.  Then we were led into an enchanted forest where gin flavoured chocolates grew in cages from a literary apple tree.

L1: She's right, there was gin everywhere, but not normal gin... this gin was made from apples from the organic cider apples from the fields of Chase Distillery and made the most marvellous mini martinis, and boozy-jelly-worms.

L2: The last thing I remember is snorting some sort of (chocolate) powder in the toilets. I think there was a Big Brother contestant there.

L1: We didn’t want to do it, but they convinced us. It was peer pressure. And I suppose maybe we wanted to look cool.  Look, we're sorry.  Please don't tell our mothers.

L2: I'm sorry officer but we promise we’re telling the truth. Honestly, it was something called the Tasting Sessions: Deliver us from Innocence, cooked up by the ladies who were behind Towards A Fluid State, it’s their fault.

L1: Yeah, and Damian Allsop is the man responsible for all of the chocolates

L2: You should check The Tasting Sessions' website for the next session if you don't believe us.

Thursday, 6 May 2010


(ps. Thank you to that German chap Karl who let us use his template thing)

Saturday, 1 May 2010

A Broadcast on behalf of the Gin Party

Transparent expenses from the Gin Party

So over the last couple of weeks we've been hearing about all these parties and wondered why no one had invited us! We love parties! How dare they? Then we realised - we don't need them - we'll have our own!

Anyway this is our party broadcast. We think there might be a word missing from that statement but we're too drunk to know or care.

We say vote Gin Party. Yes, we hear you, oh cynical voters. You're thinking you haven't heard from the Gin Lane Ladies for a while. You'd be right. We were undercover. We were, you know, trying to be more like politicians. You don't hear from them and then a week before the election they start bombarding you with leaflets and promises. So here we are.

Our policies? Um. Drink gin. Um, that's it. We'll worry about the small stuff like the economy once you vote us in. We love a live debate though and promise to turn our mikes off when we slag off vodka. And the drinking in canvassing in pubs and bars has begun in earnest. Oh and if there happened to be a hung parliament we might align ourselves with Churchill pre 1924 as he liked a Martini or two. Then again we might not. Never discuss politics we say. But if you did want to vote for your favourite gin below why not?