SHOREDITCH POLICE DEPARTMENT: TRANSCRIPT OF STATEMENT
Statement of: Gin Lane Ladies
Age: Erm, twenty-something (honest)
Location: Shoreditch Town Hall
Lady 1: Look, all I remember is this. I took the 78 bus to Shoreditch Town Hall, where I met one of my trusted Gin Lane companions and entered. No, not via the main entrance, it was the basement.
Lady 2: We were in this room and the clocks and the pictures on the walls were all sideways, and there were eggs filled with asparagus and duck on sticks and Cazadores Tequila everywhere.
L1: And even a chocolate with a shot of tequila embedded in it.
L2: Yeah that was amazing… but then it got weirder. A funny hairy chap appeared, maybe he was a centaur... Anyway he was holding two apples and babbling about an angry queen. He convinced us to follow him through a cabinet in the wall into a wintery wonderland where we drank the finest Appleton Estate Rum and ate teenie tiny rum-spiked ice creams. Then the hairy fellow led us further into the darkness where we were met Snow White…
L1: Well technically Mr. Snow White. He showed us how not to make apple pies but how to eat the most perfect whiskey chocolates and gave us all a shot of the oakiest whiskey that's ever passed our lips.
L2: As if this weren't enough, next we were led to a room where a wolf kissed a girl and we all drank Meantime beer. Then we were led into an enchanted forest where gin flavoured chocolates grew in cages from a literary apple tree.
L1: She's right, there was gin everywhere, but not normal gin... this gin was made from apples from the organic cider apples from the fields of Chase Distillery and made the most marvellous mini martinis, and boozy-jelly-worms.
L2: The last thing I remember is snorting some sort of (chocolate) powder in the toilets. I think there was a Big Brother contestant there.
L1: We didn’t want to do it, but they convinced us. It was peer pressure. And I suppose maybe we wanted to look cool. Look, we're sorry. Please don't tell our mothers.
L2: I'm sorry officer but we promise we’re telling the truth. Honestly, it was something called the Tasting Sessions: Deliver us from Innocence, cooked up by the ladies who were behind Towards A Fluid State, it’s their fault.
L1: Yeah, and Damian Allsop is the man responsible for all of the chocolates
L2: You should check The Tasting Sessions' website for the next session if you don't believe us.